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Woody Allen

Woody Allen
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Stock brokers invest your money until it's all gone.
Some people hope to achieve immortality through their works or their children. I would prefer to achieve it by not dying.
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It just goes to show what you can do if you're a total psychotic.
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.